I've been thinking
h e l p m e
Yeah, I've been thinking.
Like a lot.
About life, about truth, about how so much of what happens in this world has cosmic implications.
Cosmic as in, we can bring the Kingdom here to earth.
Or we can choose not to.
About how people have a lot of opinions, but sometimes, they miss the truth because they're too busy shouting.
How I'm not sure whether the short circuit of my brain even grasps the definition.
What does it mean?
What does THAT mean?
What does ANY of this MEAN?
Can I be honest?
The Bible is kind of a weird book.
A very weird, complicated, messy book.
Because it's a book about messy people who live in a messy world 'cause of their own messy sin.
And yet they are totally precious to a totally un-messy God.
I don't always get it.
Some sudden revelation will hit me and I'll be all, “Aha! NOW I get it!”
It fits in the box and I can even put a bow on it, make it all pretty and neat and perfectl and I can point at God and say, “You go here.”
But then I read something doesn't fit in the box.
And that's annoying because yo that is my box and EVERYTHING must fit in it.
So, the questions come.
If this doesn't fit in the box, what about the other stuff?
What if all that other stuff doesn't fit in the box?
Oh...oh what if I have been wrong this entire time?
What if Grace requires more effort than I thought or that Love I loved is just looking for an excuse to leave?
And I know none of that makes any logical sense, but you see...
I'm a kitchen
You don't know what that means.
Because a kitchen sink to you is <not>
a kitchen sink to me.
Am I the only one who feels like they interpret things a different way than anybody else?
I'm not trying to be a hipster.
It's just that I'll be going along like, “Oh, yeah, I'm pretty sure this means that.”
And then somebody says something different and it's not even that I disagree.
I just don't see it the same way.
And most people might be okay leaving it at that.
But no, I must confirm am I right or have I failed miserably?
And too often I waste weeks checking out everyone's opinion on the Truth instead of just seeking the source of the Truth.
Why don't I go to Him when He is Truth personified?
And I know that I can <fight> or I can let the lion win
I begin to a s s e m b l e what weapons I can find
'Cause sometimes to s t a y alive you gotta <kill> your mind
Ever the perfectionist, I can't stand it when I don't have all the answers.
Sometimes, I can convince myself that I don't need to know. I just wanna know and I can totally survive without it.
But then some stupid question has to pop in my head and I can't answer it.
Nothing sends me into an infuriated spiral quicker than not knowing the answer to something.
Because for some reason or another, I don't want to believe that it's okay to simply not know.
I guess not knowing tastes too much like failure.
Why is that?
Not knowing is really just an invitation to trust.
To which, my flighty nature counters,
“Okay, yeah, but I could trust if I knew.”
But that isn't the definition of trust.
Trust means holding to the steadfast belief that what you have been told is true and that the person who told you will keep their word.
There are so many things I don't know. I don't have all the answers to life or theology or the cosmic implications or insert questions here.
It's okay to admit that you don't know.
It's okay to be okay with not knowing.
And choosing to be okay with not knowing, choosing to accept His invitation to trust..
When you choose to do that, failing to know isn't really failing anything.
It's just a reminder to listen and learn from the One who does know.
And when we pursue Him instead of just pursuing answers, we can rest in the truths that never change:
God is good.
God is love.
God has grace even for this.
Even for the mess.
Even for me.
I'm sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I have a lot to say, just struggling to find words to say them. Do you guys ever feel this way about not knowing things?